I had a chat with someone recently: they were questioning me on my past relationships. It’s someone who has known me since we were born, our parents are the best of friends. As I was explaining things to her, she said something like: “how could you let these things happen? You have always been so confident”. I laughed in shock at the statement. I guess it was a moment of realising that I was only ever confident in name. I have never been confident within. With that being said, I have only ever been in “relationships” three men ever, with my very first being a situationship and that alone. I am going to divulge into certain details for a purpose, because that is what we do here. Please keep in mind this is only my side of the story.
I was 15 when I first liked someone, and it was someone I had been friends with for years. He liked me a lot, so I liked him a lot. That’s the first thing. I liked people who liked me. While that may not necessarily be a problem for others, for me it was because I did not like myself enough – the feelings validated my existence as a girl. We ended because he said (I don’t know what he thought, neither do I know if this was simply an excuse) that I liked him too much. The next time, I was 16. This time, the person wasn’t a Christian, nor was he my friend in the least. I liked him because he liked me. And he really liked me. It was a good feeling, I’ll be the first to admit it. It seemed like I was his world. Coming from a prior situationship where I felt criticised – “you smile too much”, “you talk a lot”, “you like me too much” – it was almost evidence to me that I was enough. Especially when I already felt less than. Anyways, he cheated on me, lied about it to me, and then to everyone else. Any drop of self-love I had gained from being loved by a boy disappeared. Any self-love I had before I started getting into entanglements went sour.
That’s where the details will end. It was by the next situation that I realised that no matter how terrible I thought I was, no matter how unattractive, no matter how loud, even I deserved to be treated well. It wasn’t a moment of believing in myself, it was a moment of believing what God said of me. It was a spiritual shift that happened within the blink of an eye. I cried about it for years after, and I am tearing up now: I will never forget that moment. I finally understood that the love of others was not a favour because I was loved by God. The depth of my insecurities was an insult to the work of His hands. Yes, I may smile too much, I may feel too hard, I may talk incessantly, I may scream in excitement, and a million others, but I didn’t need the love of anyone, nor to be the choice of anyone – God loved me simply because of my existence. If I could be enough for Him, surely I’m okay for me. After that, I ignored my insecurities. It came to mind, yes. I stopped taking pictures, of course. But I never dwelt on them. It was what it was.
The story is far from over. I came home for Christmas, by the grace of God. I truly believe I’ve completely transformed inside out, and I’m not sure if this is a result of said transformation or I’ve just been indoors and offline less than usual: the attention has been different. I don’t feel any prettier. I have sort of come to terms with my appearance, and I’m learning to love myself because I love God and He has been vocal (very) about my appearance, both inside and out. But the attention has been different, so something must be different. Particularly the attention of males. Like I said – I like people who like me. So I’m sure you can see where this is going. It’s not that I’ve returned any of the affections, I’ve just considered some a bit too much – and not from reciprocated interest. The Lord wasn’t having it, I’ll say that. But it was a wake-up call to me. I realised that I was still searching for validation on my appearance and personality from external parties. I tend to avoid pictures because I know I’ll focus on the asymmetry of my face, the lopsided and gummy smile, the big cheeks and arms, the uneven skin tone…I really could go on and on. I would feel this way at home. And then receive a DM, or be the recipient of a compliment or affections from outsiders, and then all of a sudden feel as beautiful as they said. And of course, consider, for a split second,investing in said affections. Clearly, there was still much to be dealt with – I was still confident in name alone.
Sometime, and I guess at this moment, I have to move past the need I have for validation. I am incredibly loved where I am. By my parents, my family, my friends, my partner, and most importantly: by God. I lack nothing, except for self-regard. It has the potential to ruin everything I’ve prayed and worked for, particularly the relationships I have poured into for good reason and with incredible people and returned affections. They deserve better. I deserve better. God deserves the best. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Not because the masses say so, and not because of the specifics of my appearance: but simply because God is who He is, and my Creator. In summary: I am created in the image of the Lord.* I am altogether beautiful. There is no flaw in me.* And I will praise God because I am fearfully and wonderfully made – that my soul knows very, very well.*
*Genesis 1:27
*Song of Solomon 4:7
*Psalm 139:14
photo credit: @kowawilliams on Instagram.
Faith & Fire 