Valley (2)

[written February 2021] 

The coronavirus is the most annoying perilous pestilence I can think of. There are hard lots, and this is the most irritating. How can we still be in a pandemic? I promise myself every 2.5 seconds that I will not leave home, I will not do this, or that – it’s very difficult, and I am tired. People are dying every second, as if the deaths before the virus were already not distressing to the spirit. 

On the bright side, my braces are gone. After five years of braces, twelve overall years of one procedure after another, for now, I can safely and warmly inform you that I am at the end of the road. Now I’m sitting in the valley, instead of pacing. Now I’m laughing instead of crying. By the way, I’m not sure if that’s a good sign. I actually giggle instead of tear up when things are going wrong, because the circumstances are so discouraging that if I don’t laugh, I will cry continuously. But I’m sitting, instead of pacing. I’m one step closer to my mountain. 

God knew I needed the braces taken off. I didn’t realise how much I needed it until it happened. I was so over everything, so tired, that it felt like a small glitter in the darkness. I never really cared when they would come off, because I needed the teeth to be as straight as they could be – if that meant ten years, so shall it be. But that particular day, I felt like if they didn’t go off I wouldn’t survive it. It sounds dramatic, I know. It was. But I guess God heard the desperation. He met me in my need. 

He didn’t just meet me in my need: He carried me through the process. Like I mentioned, my dental journey is twelve years in the making. I had incredibly strong baby teeth, so I had majority of them pulled out. I wore retainers, then had fillings done. I wore fake teeth, took out some permanent teeth, wore retainers again, had two surgeries, and then finally wore braces. I’m currently wearing retainers yet again, but anything for the straight teeth. 

After my first surgery, my face swelled. It was a blow. I had always been confident, but the laughter was stabbing because of my knowledge that this was only the beginning. It swelled after the second surgery too, and I had to go to school – I don’t even want to talk about it. I’ve hated myself before. I didn’t realise how much it got to me, because I’m dismissive with my emotions and hardships. But I remember someone completely random messaging me. I didn’t know the person, just that we went to the same church. He said that God told him to tell me that He is with me. It’s discouraging, but there is light. My teeth will be fixed. It won’t be immediate. It will be difficult. But they shall. 

I’ll remember that moment forever. It was one of my most significant with Jesus. Every time my mouth felt too full, I remembered that. Every time I thought “when is this going to be over??”, I remembered that. God was with me in it. 

That’s not the best part for me. Before I began this part of my dental journey, I used to (and still do) hear variations of these two compliments very often: ”you’re so beautiful” and “you have a beautiful smile”. Whether I believe that or not is another story: I had a wild overbite and a missing front tooth, in addition to other things I was insecure about. I didn’t even realise my overbite until the dentist fixed it. My face has transformed. If you believed I was beautiful then, I wonder what you must think of me now: even I like myself a little better. I didn’t see why I needed to go through all that until the end. The fact that even with that apparent beauty, God STILL made it His priority to make my teeth better? He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Valley Two, but this time, I am encouraged by the view I know I’ll see at the top of the mountain. 

image credit: https://pin.it/5QtE0E9